I'm better.

Well kinda.  I relapsed once last month but when I felt so sick from it I didn't want to do it again. 

I don't weigh myself anymore.  I barely even work out. 

I'm finding myself beautiful even though I can't fit in my size 1 pants anymore.

I've come a long way.

I graduate from college next semester and I want to get my life more in order.  I want to be healthy and work out for the sole reason of extending my life and being a healthy person not to loose weight or go underweight.   I want to get on the Deans List again next semester or maybe even the Presidents List if I am so lucky.  Getting a scholarship would be my highest goal.  I'm relieved its not just to loose weight now.  I get better grades than when I had my disorder because I concentrate more on work than weight. 

I have a job at Pizza Hut as a waitress and I don't mind working with food.  I like it, I enjoy serving people and making tips and funding my own lifestyle instead of my parents.

I love Savior just as much as ever.  He is amazing and hopefully we will be moving back in together soon.  I love him endlessly.  We have been talking about a great grand wedding renewal of vows and reception so we can celebrate and having a wedding like we didn't before.  I'm all excited to look at dresses and engagement rings.  He is too, not as much but he wants to show me off hehe.

I go to graduate school next semester. I haven't started applying to programs its too early for that but I know I will get in to a good one and soon I will be a great art teaching making enough to live as opposed to scraping by now.  I can't wait for my life to start.  I want to be out there working and making a difference.  Teaching people based on what I know about life not just what school has taught me. 

Oh and I love my bettas I am still interested in breeding but have chosen to hold off until I can have a stable place to raise and breed them instead of a dingy dorm room or tiny apartment. 

Relapse.

I was expecting it. I alway try to tell myself I look beautiful when I see myself and I think my confidence is really growing. Savior send me a text that really made me happy. "U perfect ok u dont have to try and be like these model coke whores ur fucking beautiful u are every day" I'm so glad I have a boy like that to tell me these things.

I relapsed for the stupidest reason. We were watching Family Guy, the episodes where Brian the dog is dating Jillian whose bulimic and he goes into this schpeel to Stewie about how its horrible but it makes her look so hot. Thats what set me off. So I relapsed later that day. Looking back it was so stupid. Savior and his roommate don't have the kind of money to support my binges either. I was so dumb. I'm not going to do that shit again. I can't, I don't want to and I'm stronger than that.

Thats all I have to keep telling myself. Savior might come visit me at school Tuesday through Thursday and I'll go back to his place on the weekend. A long time to hang out. I can't wait. With him here I'll be able to concentrate on just being his beautiful thing not everyones beautiful thing.

I'm proud of myself for not weighing myself in so long. To help take care of my free time, I've started writing again. I'm starting a book where there is a girl named Bishou who takes over the school and Allie hates her. Allie is driving home one day and sees Bishous car with another parked behind it on the side of the road and the doors all left open. To explore Allie goes into the woods and finds Bishou being accosted by a gang of men. Allie claimes she called the cops and they run. Bishou and Allie become friends but then Bishou sleeps with Allies fiance so she goes on the warpath to give her revenge. Theres a huge twist at the end and some mythological touches. I'm hoping it'll end up like a Chuck Phalinuik book. Something strange, twisted, interesting and entertaining all at the same time. It probably doesn't make much sense just hearing about it but it does in my head.

I heard my roommate bawling before in her room. I didn't have the balls to ask what was wrong and I don't think she knew I was here and she left before I could bring up what was wrong. I'm worried about her, creepy ex boyfriend stalking her, crushes all have girlfriends already and she's got way too much on her plate this semester. I just want everyone to be ok and the semester to go well.

School tomorrow and I have to clean my room up nice for when Savior gets here. Update tomorrow then probably not for awhile because Savior will be here and sorry but, he's more important than anything else in the world to me.

I really feel like I'm making progress today. I ate a normal lunch and binged later in the night eating a lot but willed myself not to purge. Its my first day not purging in a very long time. There is just so much for me to enjoy and take part in that I don't care about how much I want to will myself empty.

Everyday I've been trying to find a quality on my body that I love that is different and focus on it. Everyday I look in the mirror and tell myself that I am beautiful. I looked at the pictures of myself at my smallest and felt that I actually looked a bit sickly instead of perfect. I feel like I'm actually starting to be a beautiful person.

My mom has been pushing me to see a dentist before my insurance runs out in December. I'm terrified they'll see the erosion of my tooth enamel and pick something out.

Little things have been wanting to set me off all day. Getting away from this disease is harder than willing myself not to eat and purge when I did, when I first developed it. None of this suffering is worth it. I thought I would be beautiful and irresistible and where am I now? Right back to where I started, right back at the weight I was at when I started, worse in mindset than I was before it started. I've set a trap and fallen into it myself.

There is so much more to live for and concentrate on, its only now that I realize how selfish this whole thing has been. I haven't stepped on the scale for a good two weeks. Half of it is because I don't want to know how big I am but, the other half doesn't care because I can be beautiful no matter what. I don't want to attract people that only want to get to know me because of how slender I may be, I want true friends that love me for who I am not the digital body in an image. I don't want to be a sell out anymore. Scales going deep into the closet tomorrow morning.

I'm getting an ipod nano to motivate me to get to the gym. I want to be healthy, a few hours of working out a week here and there will keep me healthy and feeling beautiful. And, also give myself a little present for my beginning of getting myself better. Its so hard on your own. I won't be doing the working out I was doing before staying at the gym for two hours a day and weighing myself before and after to make sure I lost weight. I want to be done so bad but like a bomb I feel like I'll go off at anytime. I'm terrified. I wish I could open up to someone about this or go through this with a friend but I'm all alone in this secret that suffocating me. I don't want to hurt anyone more than I already have.

My biggest problem right now is food. I don't know how much to eat, what is normal. All I know are huge binges followed by purges until I'm empty. Whenever I eat, even just a small bit I want to purge it. Also, when I eat one small thing the next logical step ground into my head is to eat whatever I can get my hands on since I'm going to throw it up anyway. I ate a lunch of ramen but then I skipped diner and ended up bingeing on oatmeal, a bagel and cream cheese and crackers with peanut butter. Its everything in my body and soul not to go into the bathroom and gag.

I want to learn to eat normally again. I know that what they do in rehabilitation programs and I'm going to try to follow that because I want so badly to be better. I always wanted so badly to be thin because that equalled beauty to me but now, all I want is to take control of my life again. I thought I was in control, I thought my weight was the one thing I could control fantastically but, I got stuck, caught. I'm ready to start over.

Heres to one day of no-purging and the many to come.
Heres to getting away from the fragility that I am made out of.
Here is to my future.